is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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