Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
