omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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