Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
