My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
