I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
