You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
