It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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