Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
