i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
