somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
