I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Randomize
