Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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