my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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