He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
