but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
