Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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