I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
