Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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