Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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