So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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