I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
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