if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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