Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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