god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
