The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
