I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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