Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
