If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
