If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
