I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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