you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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