Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
