I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
