I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
