...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
