I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
