so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
