I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
