Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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