dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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