he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
