we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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