and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
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