Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
