I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Oh god it's open bar.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
