____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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