chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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