U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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