My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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