Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
